Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
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*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana