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I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
this could fix me
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.