ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
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Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”