I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
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Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
oh shit
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.