Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
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I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch