*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
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Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels