saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
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I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
My time has come.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.