People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
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A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.