doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
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I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.