[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
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hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.