Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
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*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
i want the dreams to chase me for once
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
I need better friends
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.