I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
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*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost