Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
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Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
@funTweeters
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.