My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
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6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily