[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
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My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.