My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
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all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
My sex drive has a dui
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!