[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
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Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.