Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
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“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
incredible text to wake up to
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.