Accurate
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ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
synchronized noseblowing
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.