Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
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Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”