[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
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Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches