Just a phase…
You Might Also Like
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.