The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
You Might Also Like
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Life with a cat in one tweet
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.