“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
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Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
any last words?
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.