I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
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Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.