Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
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My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”