Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
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Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
I hope they boil the right one.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.