what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
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The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”