Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
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[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
two people or more is called a problem
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.