“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
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[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
happy friday
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
How to woo a woman
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.