Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
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“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.