When I pack too much for a short trip.
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*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
You are not alone 💚
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
I’m tired tomorrow.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.