bears
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I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
my astrological sign is a french fry
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.