As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
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My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”