DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
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I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
How wrong was this guy?
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.