Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
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my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.