I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
You Might Also Like
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
This could be us, but you weedin’.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.