What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
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ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
May never get over this
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Where’s my employee discount too?
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.