[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
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Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.