*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
You Might Also Like
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back