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[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”