Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
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A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
We’ve all been there