A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
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5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Just a bush.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week