“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
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Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied