Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
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My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave