TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
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I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone