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Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
haha same
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*