That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
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Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Finally, an explanation.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds