interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
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Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Order here:
More here:
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji