[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
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what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.